Wow, I so went outside of my comfort zone today.  Not only did I buy false eyelashes and attempt to stick them on, but I videoed the whole sad, sad incident and am now sharing it with you.  Warts and all, my messy house-in-the-background and all.

I’m sharing it not to convince you that false eyelashes are evil (they so are, but you’ll have to come to that realisation on your own) but to show you that not everyone knows how to apply them, and that’s it’s REALLY not as easy as those wanky YouTube vids by skinny Millennials make it look.  Bitches.

Every single TV show or movie you’ll watch that was made in the last 10 years, and probably most before that, have all female characters sporting lashes-to-die-for.  I’m here to tell you that that shit doesn’t happen naturally and these gals have paid minions who stick the bastards on for them before shooting.


*Oh – language warning.  Both in this post and in the vids.  I swear.  It’s ok, I’m fine with it, if you’re not sure if you are, at least consider yourself warned.*


It’s NOT easy, and we should not accept that this is now the norm in eyelash standards.  It’s a pain the arse, fiddly, stupid and pointless.  Yes, ok, they look lovely and sweeping and majestic when applied properly, but so do 18th century sweeping skirts, whalebone corsets and absurdly plumped lips.  (Not sure on that last one, to be honest)


So, without further ado, and, sadly in a series of videos because my 13 year old daughter who is the only one who knows how to edit videos, is out on a sleepover, here is how to utterly fuck up applying false eyelashes, for the woman over 40 who wanted to give it a go but now thinks it’s a load of bollocks.




My beagle interrupted me in that one, so I had to stop and get going again with Episode 2:



And then I had one last thought…




Yes, I went there on facial hair, what of it?  I’m not yet at the facial waxing stage, but the Indian lady who threads my eyebrows for me tells me I should be considering it.  Bah, not until I’m tripping over the facial hairs, thanks.


So, please do tell me about your own experiences with extra-bodily facial beauty extensions (I made that up, I think it’s a great term for them.  It beats Eyelashes From Hell, anyway).


Have you tried them?  Are they a daily thing for you?  Do you think our lives are judged by the breadth and depth of our eyelashes, especially when TOTALLY faked?  Do let me know in the comments, I don’t want to be the only judgemental and crappy-with-eyelashes bitch on here!



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